Staying Single: And Why This Is an Indispensable Skill

I have a theory that our society teaches us that in order to be full we have to be in a relationship. In order to be happy we have to have someone. Whenever I get upset or overly passionate about say, books, I tell some of my coworkers and I get the response, “you need to find yourself a man.” When my father was falling ill in health and I was emotionally collapsing, I kept being told, “it will be better when you find yourself a boyfriend.” Is my boyfriend going to magically make my father not die? Is he going to make all the pain go away? No. A boyfriend couldn’t do that, and to be honest, looking for a boyfriend for the sake of having one could probably cause more problems than not.

Wanting to be in a relationship, even if you don’t say it out loud, is selling yourself short. Someone can show interest, and for the idea of a relationship you might accept it regardless if you even like that person or if that person bothers you. If you want to stay single, however, it cuts a great deal of stress and drama from your life as you don’t deal with not having what you want.

But why? Why the emphasis on being in a relationship (especially for women)? Society puts that label on us that we should want to be in a relationship, that we don’t feel complete without someone to do it for us. The prince saving the princess, and her not really doing anything. But that is not how it works – humans are too complex for a start. At the end of high school and the end of college, I see a great deal of rings being waved all over my newsfeed of engagement announcements. As there is the ideal of love, there could also be a stronger feeling driving some the vows: fear. The fear of the unknown, the fear of being alone, the fear of facing the big, cold world alone. I know because that fear slapped me hard in the face, and of all my friends, too.

Being able to be independent and alone is a valuable life trait no one seems to teach anymore. At the end of a relationship, separated from grievances, relocation, a falling apart, or even death, you are going to have to face things alone in life. From the moment of our birth to the breath of death, we are an individual. When someone dies, that grief is a heavy, solitary feeling.  Might as well give yourself that power now, younger, when you need it, especially to get yourself through life and to get that dream you are so after as no one will chase that dream but you (because no one can but you). Being single and learning these skills makes life so much easier later, as you don’t care if you are getting groceries by yourself. Death will come, and being able to be alone will make the transition through grief much stronger and easier as there won’t be any dependency.

Being able to be single successfully also keeps off abuse. A common factor of abuse is dependency, lack of self-worth, and fear. Learning to be single makes one independent, worthwhile, and capable of handling life. Life is easier to face when you can take care of yourself, and the fear of being alone starts to vanish rather than drown. But learning to be single is a choice, the choice to stay single. Being single doesn’t mean that there isn’t hunting for a significant other, but you can’t hunt for one as that’s when you settle for less than what you deserve. Don’t settle, do what’s best for you. And if that is being single for the time being, then so be it.

Putting “staying single” is also not sent in stone, it’s more of a promise to yourself to do what’s best for you. But, if someone comes along that is so amazing that that resolution just snaps in half without you even realizing it: then that is a relationship you should be in. That is healthy and real. It was only when I determinedly decided “I’m going to be single and focus on myself” did those amazing people fall into my life like opening a window to rain after a drought. One of those people changed me for the better, and I wouldn’t be the person I am today without that person, and I met him from that goal of staying single. So I’m setting the goal again, right out of college, so I can focus on my dream and my career. And I know for a fact that if I was in a relationship, I would settle now, when it is not a time to settle. It is a time to grow, and I want to grow as big as I possibly can. 

 Being single means you focus on yourself and what makes you happy

The Dark Side of the Snow Queen: The First Mentally Ill Disney Princess.

            Disney’s latest film, Frozen, has been a major topic of conversation since its release almost a year ago. With the praise will come the critic, and I have found myself too often with my lips pursed shut as my peers complain about how it is a horrible story and a terrible movie. I’m not going to fight for the defense of plot holes or other complaints, but I will take the side of what I think makes the movie transcendent: the other princess, or queen, Elsa.

In the original drafts of Frozen, Elsa was originally written to be the villain. However, after writing the song, Let It Go, the writers decided that the empowering song about freedom and self acceptance didn’t fit a villain, and instead rewrote the whole plot.

Yet, Elsa, being the oldest Disney princess at 21 as well as the only true queen of the Disney Princess franchise, has more than a few things that separate her from her Royal brigade. She is the only one to be considered an anti-hero, as she can be represented as a “problem” rather than actively fighting the external antagonists. Hers are all internal.

There is a possibility that Elsa is mentally ill, which is touching on an American taboo. So, Disney made a movie about one, which is a huge step forward to mental health awareness as Disney is mainstream (yay). But, how is she mentally ill, or comparable to mental illness? Let’s start with the parents, who are abusive and neglectful to their eldest daughter.  

The first scene with Elsa and Anna’s parents is when Elsa hit her sister in the head with ice trying to save Anna from falling. Note, they are children here, yet her parent’s immediately blame her, with a nasty tone of “this is getting out of control,” and “what did you do.” Kids make mistakes, it’s just a fact of life, but rather than realize that, they just heap the blame on Elsa.

Speaking of the parent’s tone, when they are asking the Trolls for advice, the dad glares at his daughter when he says “born with it.” Not her fault there, bud. In fact, as she gets older, they reinforce her fear after telling her to emotionally castrate her from the world. In the Do You Wanna Build a Snowman? song, Elsa has an accidental ice blast. The queen goes to console her, but Elsa just recoils and says she is “afraid to hurt [them].” The parents just look at one another, like “yup, we are too,” when Elsa needed that support. Be the good girl you always have to be, and not yourself in any regard. Conceal, don’t feel, because you aren’t a human and should not have emotions, let alone express any.

The one time they smile at Elsa is when she bows to them before they leave on a ship and practically whimpers “do you have to go?” The parents just nod and smile gently, almost emotionally castrated from her, as well. Then the parent’s turn and hug Anna, showing Anna affection and attention that Elsa so desperately needed, but was denied, even from herself. Best parents ever.

Its pretty straight forward that Elsa’s snow and ice shows an emotional imbalance. “I can’t escape the storm inside of me,” her “inner storm” is something that follows her around everywhere, and she can’t escape it; much like a mental illness. People can’t see that battle the afflicted face, but they can in Elsa. My favorite examples are when she is cornered in herself, the ice turns red and jabs towards her, showing how much she hates herself. Or when she is dealing with grief, and her snow is frozen in time, which is an accurate analogy for anyone who has ever dealt felt that solitary emotion. When she is happy, she has control of her powers and is capable of producing amazing feats of art. These ice powers give voice to the invisible struggles that cage people who are mentally ill everyday, making it easier to empathize those who are suffering from it.

Elsa, because her lack of control, finds herself to be a villain. After her powers are discovered, she flees the kingdom as her ultimate fear of being discovered happens, and she doesn’t feel either safe or good enough for her kingdom. Her parent’s helped her swallow the pill of it being all her fault, taking root in the traumatic experience of almost killing her sister. There is actually a thing where Disney villains love saying fools.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aOeFkAthM-w

And in the reprise of For The First Time In Forever, Elsa calls herself a fool for waiting to be free, which is a little Disney nudge of “Elsa thinks she is the villain.” Why? - Because she was raised to think so, and society pointed fingers for that to be true. Anna, on the other hand, tries to understand and open up communication, which ultimately saves her sister by proving her love for her, regardless of what she is (spoilers!).

Since I already ruined the ending (sorry, not sorry), let’s move on to the crisis point. Hans tries to kill Queen Elsa, although this time it is different than when he went to her Ice Palace – she doesn’t defend herself. Why? Because she feels that he is right, she needs to go, especially after Hans tells her she killed sister. Elsa believes her powers are such a curse she can only cause harm, and to save everyone and escape her internal (external) storm, she is willing to end herself as she sees it as the only way. Yet, what saves her? Anna’s sacrifice. Love. Understanding. Someone proving to her she is worth something, and in that realization, she is free from the cage of her mental turmoil.

On the surface, the movie is a fun, pro-empowering and independence, pro-family movie with Broadway songs and a lot of laughs in the snowman, Olaf. Yet, under the immediate layer is Elsa’s abuse, pain, and turmoil, exposing the world of Arendelle and the audience to the horrors of being trapped with “the storm inside of me.” Despite this darkness, it is enveloped in humor, songs, and impressive animation. And as another Disney movie puts it, “a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down”.

Dreams vs. Goals: What's the Difference?

Almost everyone has dreams, aspirations for the future; a dot on the map to go running after. However, if you don’t have a plan, how do you expect to move closer to it? What direction do you start running?

A goal without a deadline is just a dream.

Let me write that one out again.

A goal without a deadline is just a dream.

Let’s compare this to a road trip. They are long, and the world is wide. You need experience, discipline, skill, and time. Let’s say you have never driven a road trip, and then this is a bit more difficult for you to comprehend what’s ahead.

Who is going to be driving the car?  You. There is only one person who can take you to your dreams, and that is you. People can give you good directions, or bad ones. Some can help you rest, some can encourage you on. But no one can drive for you. You have to want it, and you can’t stop.

So where is your destination? A blurred dot on a blotched map, and you have to figure out a way to get to that location. The way to clear the map so you know what paths need to be taken to reach your dream? Research. Let’s say you want to be a teacher. What is required of a teacher? A license, a Bachelor’s, experience. How do you get these things? The internet is a beautiful thing, and so are your coworkers, friends, family, teachers and professors. Not everyone knows everything, but everyone knows some of something. It’s a good start to lighting your way.

Exhaustion, traffic, possible car failure, accidents, varying terrain, weather: the list goes on of things you will experience. But that experience will only make you better, just keep going.

There are also going to be obstacles in the way: but they are there for a reason. They are there to prove how badly you want something. Other people that get to that wall will let them stop, but if you really want something, you will find your way around.

If there weren’t obstacles, then everyone would be a doctor. Everyone would be a professional model, or photographer, and for that the work quality would diminish. Obstacles are there for a reason, so only the people who truly want those jobs will get those jobs.

Let’s use me as an example here.

I have been drawing since kindergarten. I remember teachers going around with my art and showing the other classes what I did for years. Sounds like the beginning a great artist, right?

Not really.

I have a lot of talent as an artist: I notice too many things for it not to be true. But for me, it’s not my calling. I have trouble create what’s in my head onto paper with paint – a lot of trouble. I know what it takes to be an artist, to practice. Constantly. I even have connections through art professors and opportunities, but I know it’s not what I want to do.

That obstacle to become a professional artist did its job with me – it made me turn away. To my own brick wall – writing.

I’ve had a dream since I was a little girl, 13 to be exact, that I wanted to be a writer. A novelist exactly, my escapism of reading books atop a labyrinth of fallen trees in the woods. Although, I don’t just say that I want to be a writer. I write. And I read more than I write. I research. I watch interviews, I go to readings, I do everything I possibly can to get better.

My dream to be a professor: how I am making it a goal.

I found a graduate program with a teaching fellowship where I will be able to teach college classes and in exchange they waive the tuition – I am poor and on my own. This program alone is a dream for people like me. Although, this program is competitive; highly competitive. How am I going to get ready for this? Its one thing to like something – now I have to prove to them why I would be a great applicant for this program.

What I am going to do:

- I am applying to tutoring.

- I’m talking to my professors.

- I’m trying to job shadow not only my professors but high school teachers, as well.

- I’m keeping all of my school work for class planning examples.

- I’m touring the school and asking as many questions as I can about the program.

- I went to the faculty page and am reading the books that my MFA professors wrote (this is actually how I picked the school I want, if their writing style was what I wanted mine to mold into).

- I plan to meet the professors and getting them to put a face to my name, and hopefully show them how badly I want the fellowship.

This video is actually a great example of making your dreams come true, and it is funny. So pour yourself some tea and get a notepad, I watch this video frequently and highly recommend everything he says.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ji5_MqicxSo

Sass, Ass, and Class: And Why My Motto Should Be Yours, Too

I have been using this motto, especially after a long relationship that ended badly (and it’s catchy!) “Sass, Ass, and Class”, a great lifestyle change for me and hopefully for a few of you, as well. Let me break it down.

Sass – Internal

Sass means more than talking back, and talking back and being snippy isn’t always the best way to approach things. Being sassy with someone who is giving a job interview probably won’t turn out for the best.

However, by sass I really mean: Standing up for yourself.

Although this seems simple, it is major. I have been in situations that escalated into harassment several times and all because I was too nice. I thought that I was strong enough to take their pain as my own, because I thought it was easier that way. WRONG. I just became a target, and no one stood up for me. If you don’t stand up for yourself, if you don’t find a value in yourself, then who will?

Don’t let anyone use you. Don’t let anyone walk all over you.

There is a difference between being told to mop once and doing it, and being told to mop everyday when there are other people who have been doing nothing the whole time. You know when it’s been too much.

The most courageous act is still to think for yourself. Aloud.” ― Coco Chanel

Ass - Self

Judging someone at first sight, although we try not to, is a common thing. If someone doesn’t take care of themselves, you can’t expect them to take care of anything else. Would you want someone who bathes only once a week to take care of your child, or your car while you are away on vacation? I don’t know about you, but I would not trust them to take care of anything of mine.

Would you go into a job interview wearing dirty, wrinkly clothes and your hair a hot mess? Of course you wouldn’t, not if you want the job. But if you want to be respected and feel good about yourself everyday, you need to take care of yourself everyday. I’m not saying get a full face on, put on some heels; spend 45 minutes getting ready kinda deal. I mean wash your face, brush your teeth, and wear clean clothes kinda deal.

Health is a major, major part of life. You will feel better, live better, and I promise you will be treated better. Drink water for every meal rather than soda. Take the stairs rather than the elevator. Always wear clean clothes, wash your face every day, and brush your hair (if applicable). Carry your head up high, a good posture with your eyes level to your surroundings will also make you feel more controlled over your life and less kicked around.

Self esteem and self confidence are the best things in the world. The saying goes that you are your own worst enemy, and I wholeheartedly agree. People are always going to say you can’t do it, or that you are not strong enough to reach your dreams. But, have they met theirs? Look at the people who are successful in life, what do they constantly preach?

Don’t stop. Keep going. Never stop trying.

Compare that to those who are not successful.

You can’t do it. You aren’t strong enough. You aren’t good enough.

See the difference? What they tell you, they tell themselves. Pick who you want to be.

The first step is taking care of yourself, and giving yourself the strength and confidence to fight. Believe in yourself so strongly that the world believes you, too.

Class – External

In this over populated world, most people are horrifically rude and self centered. As much hope and love I see in humans and the world, I know this is true to a T. Working as a cashier at a mall in one of the richest neighborhoods in the world drove that home.

Be educated

Understand etiquette – I actually suggest investing in Emily Post’s book on etiquette.

http://www.amazon.com/Emily-Posts-Etiquette-18th-Edition/dp/0061740233/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1403493577&sr=8-1&keywords=emily+post+etiquette+18th+edition

(Warning: This thing is a textbook. However, it goes over almost everything, including how to behave on Facebook to weddings).

With etiquette, you see the world outside of you, and notice that others suffer. The reason why people are so rude is because they are going too fast and can’t see anything else. Stopping, breathing, and helping someone with a child take a seat or holding open the door will do wonders to your patience, your understanding, and your self worth.

Listening is also a major key. Most people listen to respond – people zone out 30 seconds into a conversation and just poke in “uh huh” and “yeahs” as appropriate. I know this has happened to you, it has to me and I hate it. To stop it, listen. No one ever got in trouble for listening. Listen to understand, and you will find yourself more whole as a person.

Be respectful, in order to get respect you must give it. Let your inner strength shine through your person, with your sass, with your ass, and rounded off with your class. Only you can make a change in your life, it’s your decision to make it a positive or a negative change.